Letter of Complaint

Dear Miss Ivy,

I'm writing you to inform you that the campsite you stayed in last night received several complaints of a child your age and description "disturbing the peace." By that I mean loud outcries concerning flies, imaginary or otherwise, during all hours of the night. I know these insects are not necessarily hygeninic, but in cases of outdoors situations, flexibility must be observed. I'm sure you have the best interest of our campers in mind, as do we, and we need to remember that the walls are thin. Very thin. In fact, there are no walls. Sound travels far and wide in these parts. Also, please be aware that houseflies cannot sting or bite, so really the best course of action in the case of an encounter would be to shoo them away.

Now, I need to enlighten you on the physics of an air mattress. You see, when your parents so graciously took you into their tent after you expressed your extreme distress over possible houseflies entering your vicinity, they let you sleep on the air mattress with them. But when one moves on an air mattress, the air underneath that area of the mattress is displaced, pushing up somewhere else, usually causing waves underneath where your mother was sleeping, waking her up. This occurred uninterrupted between the hours of 3:00 am to 6:00 am. Your mother was not sleeping, and she was not happy.

Yes, we are very aware that a pack of coyotes was prowling the area last night, and kept the howling going that you started. I know Mrs. Stewart was considering offering you to them as a token of peace, solving two problems at once, so that we could all get some sleep, but thankfully, she reconsidered at the last second, and the pack ran off.

So, I urge you to be grateful, Miss Ivy, that you are still with your family this morning. Please reconsider your camping etiquette before returning to our campground, for your own sake, and for the good of your family.

Sincerely,
The Arizona State Parks Noise and Disturbance Committee